I don't like the title I gave the last post so I'm not going to be giving them titles anymore. Just reading that makes me queasy. So no more titles for now.
Today has been a gloomy sort of day for me. Not sure why. Yesterday when hubby got home the first thing he asked me after looking at me what , Are you ok? I asked why??? I think my mind is so full right now that I'm not even paying attention to what I'm doing. Over all I am a happy go lucky kind of person. I remember back to my childhood/early teen years when I used to hear from people all the time, "You are always smiling". And while that's true on the outside, not always on the inside. Most of the time though I am truly happy. Now!! I have to say I haven't always been.
There is so much to write down I honestly am confused as to what to put first. This is bothering me. So much on my mind to say and how to say it.
Today let me start here..........
Not being able to tell my mom what was going on didn't really bother me because I guess I didn't know I should tell her or if I did she would do anything about it. I thought maybe she feared my dad like the rest of us did. I often wondered why she wouldn't come and save us from the spankings we used to get. I call them beatings because I can't imagine doing that to four little girls. Hell, I can't imagine letting anyone do that to my little boys. Spanking, sure lots of us have spanked our kids and sometimes they needed it. But not to beat them. There is a big difference.
Often we would all have to go sit in the living room of our house at night and watch tv. We weren't allowed to be in our rooms after dark because that would mean we had to turn on lights. We weren't allowed to do that. So we sit in the living room watching tv. My dad would have my mom sit on his lap and he would fondle her breasts. He would look right at my while he was doing this. I think now to let me know...........look what I'm doing, what I do to you and you can't do a thing about it. I used to hate hate hate when he did that. And he did it often. If we would bend over to pick something up that was anywhere near him he would take his foot and slowly put it between our legs and leave it there. He did this into our teen years. Again hated it!!! But could do nothing about it.
To this day I take sleeping pills to sleep and have an air machine in my room. It's a humidifier but still it's white noise and I have to have it. I even travel with one. My dad would say it was bed time and we would all have to go to bed when he did. Even my mother. Especially my mother. See, I swear every single night and sometimes every morning my parents would have sex in their room. I know this because we were all in the basement now and could hear everything. Another thing is he required everyone to be QUIET. I think he wanted us to hear him. If anyone made noise he would get his belt, come down stairs and that is when we would all line up and he would spank us repeatedly with the belt. Then go back upstairs and have sex with my mom. Now I don't know about you but if someone did that to my kids there is no way in hell there would be any sex going on in my room. I even knew when my mom was on her period because usually that meant no sex and I could go to sleep at night with no problem. I could tell you the exact time the furnace would kick on and off in the basement. Because when it came on that meant I would not be able to hear them upstairs. I would try to sleep with the pillow on my head, with my fingers in my ears, etc. Anything to not hear that. We heard it all. I mean everything. Another thing, we were not allowed to go upstairs to go potty once we went to bed. You better go before you went down those stairs because if you came up .......there was hell to pay.
To this day two of my sisters do not speak to me. They think I'm crazy. Yet they know I'm not. We all know this has happened we all have experienced some or all of it. No one will say except me.That makes me the outcast. I think they are all still under his thumb and can not get away from that. My sisters will say they don't remember any of this. Well I guess not if I was 15 you were 8 or 9. If I was 8 or 9 then you were 1 or 2. But they still will argue that they know more. Whatever!!! I really don't care anymore. It happened alright. Just because you don't want to wake up and face reality is not my issue. I had left home and moved out before I turned 17. So just think about how young they really were. That was another thing. I hated so bad to leave home and not take them with me. To leave them there knowing what was going on broke my heart. I always tried to protect them, even after moving out. For some reason I felt like it was my place to take on the roll of parent to my little sisters. I guess that didn't matter though. To this day they treat me awful. They do now allow my nieces or nephews to speak to me, I'm not allowed to send gifts to any of them at their houses. My youngest sister and I speak now but even at times that is difficult because of what we were handed at kids. I love her and all of them and would do anything for them but sometimes you just can't do enough. And you get tired of trying because the hurt that you get back is not worth it.
Signing off for today.
Please don't think of me as this poor person that has had these bad things happen to them. I'm just writing this for my own therapy. I really am happy in my life now. I have two of the best children ever and a wonderful husband who thinks the world of me. :-)
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