I have so many kind friends and I love all of you for being there for me. I'm sure my family is not going to approve of this but of course they wouldn't. I'm to the point where I can honestly say I don't give a damn.
There are 4 girls in my family and I am the oldest. There are 6 and 7 years between me and the two youngest girls. And only one year between me and my other sister. We grew up in a one bedroom house, where once our parents thought we were old enough were moved to the basement where our rooms were. Before that my parents room was in the dining room and the girls all were in the one bedroom. One bathroom too I might add. Not that it's a bad thing but for me it turned out to be not so good. Nothing wrong with living in a small house either. Many many families have small houses and everything is just fine.
Where to start?? This is so hard for me to finally be putting on paper, so to speak.
I can only start I guess from back before I was in school, or maybe even in Kindergarten. I don't really remember how old I was. My dad was and is not the lovey dovey kind of a guy. He is very very quiet and not affectionate at all. For that matter neither is my mom. I think this is what has made me be so very affectionate and always wanting to do nice things for others. It is my way of showing love and giving love to those I care about. Sometimes it's good and other times I still get hurt by even doing that.
Most of my childhood days I did not want my mom to be out of my site. I was scared!!! I mean scared!!! She used to have a lot of doctor appointments. Seemed like she was going all of the time. Probably because I knew she was going away and we were to stay with my dad. Back then I had no idea why I felt like this. I guess because I was a small little girl. And for quite awhile my two younger sisters either weren't born or were babies. The very minute my mom would close the door and leave the house. I cried until she came back. Why? Because she left me with him!!
I would go to school and fake sick just so I could go home again to be with my mom. I must have felt some sort of protection from you but I didn't know why. She really never protected me. Still to this day she doesn't. And never will I suspect.
I remember one day in detail. When my mom would get pregnant with one of my little sisters, I never knew she was pregnant. I didn't even notice a change in her body size/shape. Even at a young age I had so much on my mind, mostly trying to protect myself that I don't even remember her being pregnant. However, this day we, me and my sister a year younger than I, were to go stay with the neighbor that was directly behind our house while my dad took my mom somewhere?? Where we had no idea. That night my dad came home, picked up my sister and I. No mom. OMG where was she??? I still don't remember him telling us we had a new little sister. Days later he left again and came back with my mom AND my sister. I often wondered where did she come from???? See my parents never ever talked with us about sex, babies, illness, etc. Even when we were in our teens or about to get married. NEVER and I know alot of parents back then didn't. But a baby being born??? I found that odd. Well I mean I find it odd now.
Now I must be 10?? Maybe 9??? who knows, doesn't matter, My mom was again leaving to go somewhere and I died inside. My dad told my little sisters to stay upstairs and do not come in the basement. And they did because like I said we feared him. He then told them he would be taking me downstairs to help him with something. That's when it started happening and I remembered. My dad was molesting me in the basement and no one but he and I knew. He told me to keep it a secret because no one would believe me. Little did I know that what he said was true. I can't even remember what happened when he was done with me. I guess I blacked it out. I don't even remember going back upstairs. I don't remember how I felt afterwards. My mom would come home and I would say nothing. Lips sealed. He would just look at me from across a room and smile. This was the day I knew I was doomed. The first thing he did that I remember. I now know things happened even when I was younger. But I have no memory of it.
I'll sign off now. Thank you for letting me get this out and for your nice comments. It is not my intentions to have pity from anyone. I'm doing this for ME.
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