Life is so short. I could have lost a friend today. A very good friend. Something awful happened to her this morning and I can't stop thinking about it. I am so thankful for my friends.
Not having a family around me makes my friends even more special to me. I try to be the very best friend I can be to people. Sometimes it doesn't quite work out like I had hoped. Then of course I am the bad guy again. People talking crap about me, saying what an awful person I am, blah blah blah. I get so tired of it. Same shit with my family. I do nice things, I'm there for them at the drop of a hat and boom, something goes wrong and it's all my fault. No one else ever takes even a slight piece of the blame. I can never be honest with anyone because if I do, I'm the bad guy. It has always been like that for me. Friends, family, whoever. Just an example, I had, I say HAD because I no longer have this friend. Why? I have no clue. Let me explain, she worked at a quilt shop, her and I had been friends forever, good friends I thought. She was treated bad at the quilt shop, or so I had thought. She worked there forever. The owner passed away and someone else bought it. The new owner and my friend used to be good friends. Until she now was my friends boss. Then she started treating her like crap. Or so my "friend" led me to believe. So what do I do? I write a letter to the new owner telling her that she is not nice and she is treating my friend bad. Well..........you can imagine how that went over. I lost a few friends because of it. But I was glad I did it because I am and was being loyal to my friend. However, that person chooses to not be my friend now and actually acts like I don't exist. I'm telling all of this because this is how my life goes. And has always went.
I'm guessing because of my family life, never having loyalty from my own mother, or sisters, I try to be loyal to every friend I have. I will continue being like that right or wrong. If you are my friend, I am there for you. Period. This is exactly how I am with my sisters. I would go to the end of the earth for them. I would do anything for them I could. But, they stab me in the back at any given moment. If I don't do as they say, jump when they say jump, I am a bitch. They tell people that I am a crazy person, yet they choose to not listen to me explain what happened to me, why I'm like I am, etc. I know I'm rambling but for me this is good. It helps to just write it all down. I guess I'm saying all of this because of friends I've lost this year. Friends who jump ship at any given minute for whatever reason. It all goes back to loyalty. Very few people are loyal to each other. It hurts when someone trashes you that you were very loyal to. All I can hope is that they get what's coming to them. It won't change me the way I'm treated by others. I'll still be me. I'll still give 100% to my friends, I'll forgive you and I'll be your friend again. I forgive my sisters, my mother, my father and yet they continue to shit on me. Over and over. I'm over 50 now and things don't change. I guess they never will for me.
Not much else to say right now except in 2012 I hope maybe, just maybe my family/friends will see me for who I am and not shit on me. That is what I wish for. Probably wont' happen. But a girl can dream right?
Thanks for listening if your out there.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Holidays are hard
I've been trying to get back to this but it's so dang hard to do. I lay in bed and think of things I need to write down or as I'm driving down the street. Then when I go to write it down I just can't do it.
The holidays are especially hard on me. I try not to let anyone know that in my house. When you have a family of 6 and only one sister who talks to you, it hurts so bad. I keep reliving in my mind, I am the victim, they are not. What did I do that they do not speak to me or have anything to do with me? I just don't get it. If I had a daughter who came to me and told me what my husband did to her, I could no way throw her to the curb and never speak to her again. My mom sends birthday cards to everyone, except for me that is. That hurts more than I can tell you. I'm sure she sends them Christmas cards too but I don't ask. Sometime's it's better to not know. Even my children are left out. Why?? What did they do? My boys wouldn't be mean to anyone.
I know I'm supposed to be excited that Christmas is here but I just can't be. This past week I have really felt awful. Like a truck ran over me. I thought it was menopause but I know what it really is.
I keep telling myself that I'm better off without these people if that's the way they are going to treat me, but then I come to the realization that they are family. You only get one family. I guess what hurts the most is they choose to punish me. And only me really.
There's so much more I could say and get off my chest but I will stop here. I am very thankful to have such awesome friends in my life that do treat me like family. I cherish those people, I really do. Sometimes friendships don't work out either and that bothers me. I wish everyone could get along and there never be arguments with anyone. Don't know about you, but I feel so much better inside when I'm at peace with everyone.
Have a Merry Christmas and thanks for listening.
Hugs
Sharon
The holidays are especially hard on me. I try not to let anyone know that in my house. When you have a family of 6 and only one sister who talks to you, it hurts so bad. I keep reliving in my mind, I am the victim, they are not. What did I do that they do not speak to me or have anything to do with me? I just don't get it. If I had a daughter who came to me and told me what my husband did to her, I could no way throw her to the curb and never speak to her again. My mom sends birthday cards to everyone, except for me that is. That hurts more than I can tell you. I'm sure she sends them Christmas cards too but I don't ask. Sometime's it's better to not know. Even my children are left out. Why?? What did they do? My boys wouldn't be mean to anyone.
I know I'm supposed to be excited that Christmas is here but I just can't be. This past week I have really felt awful. Like a truck ran over me. I thought it was menopause but I know what it really is.
I keep telling myself that I'm better off without these people if that's the way they are going to treat me, but then I come to the realization that they are family. You only get one family. I guess what hurts the most is they choose to punish me. And only me really.
There's so much more I could say and get off my chest but I will stop here. I am very thankful to have such awesome friends in my life that do treat me like family. I cherish those people, I really do. Sometimes friendships don't work out either and that bothers me. I wish everyone could get along and there never be arguments with anyone. Don't know about you, but I feel so much better inside when I'm at peace with everyone.
Have a Merry Christmas and thanks for listening.
Hugs
Sharon
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