Holidays are hard

I've been trying to get back to this but it's so dang hard to do. I lay in bed and think of things I need to write down or as I'm driving down the street. Then when I go to write it down I just can't do it.
The holidays are especially hard on me. I try not to let anyone know that in my house. When you have a family of 6 and only one sister who talks to you, it hurts so bad. I keep reliving in my mind, I am the victim, they are not. What did I do that they do not speak to me or have anything to do with me? I just don't get it. If I had a daughter who came to me and told me what my husband did to her, I could no way throw her to the curb and never speak to her again. My mom sends birthday cards to everyone, except for me that is. That hurts more than I can tell you. I'm sure she sends them Christmas cards too but I don't ask. Sometime's it's better to not know. Even my children are left out. Why?? What did they do? My boys wouldn't be mean to anyone.
I know I'm supposed to be excited that Christmas is here but I just can't be. This past week I have really felt awful. Like a truck ran over me. I thought it was menopause but I know what it really is.
I keep telling myself that I'm better off without these people if that's the way they are going to treat me, but then I come to the realization that they are family. You only get one family. I guess what hurts the most is they choose to punish me. And only me really.
There's so much more I could say and get off my chest but I will stop here. I am very thankful to have such awesome friends in my life that do treat me like family. I cherish those people, I really do. Sometimes friendships don't work out either and that bothers me. I wish everyone could get along and there never be arguments with anyone. Don't know about you, but I feel so much better inside when I'm at peace with everyone.
Have a Merry Christmas and thanks for listening.
Hugs
Sharon